Pick Up Only, No Delivery: Why Men Will NEVER Give Birth

So I am sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward while my wife is being examined by her physician, and a thought comes to me. Men will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER give birth. My reasoning?

If Arnold can’t do it, then NO ONE CAN!

Remember, men pick up babies only; we never deliver unless it’s to mom for a diaper change.

Action vs. Drama: Why Men Fall Asleep During Both

I’m sitting on the couch and the highest bar of action movies, The Expendables, is blasting on the surround sound. During the final battle against the drug lord, machine guns blasting and throats being slit, a sound catches my ear. A subtle, rhythmic sound that resembled a quiet wind. I turn to the opposite couch and there is my Father-in-law snoring, sound asleep while the explosions and screaming terrorists shake the walls.

I was amazed.

I looked at my Father-in-law and wondered why he would waste this precious movie moment with a nap. I mean, Sylvester Stallone is on the screen killing everyone in sight and he is snoozing! Not only that, but the dog is right along side him sleeping!

I thought back to all of the times I spent sitting with my wife watching a movie, whether it was a bad ass, superhero action movie or some movie set in the era of fancy dresses and big hair. She would get utterly furious at me that I fell asleep, especially if it were the time piece she took AN HOUR TO PICK! I thought about all the times that I zonked out during either type of film and realized something. In fact; I had an epiphany.

Men strategically nap during any movie they can afford to miss.

It might not ever be a concious decision that a man might take a nap during the greatest film ever made. It might be an actual system design of the male brain to fall asleep after fifteen minutes of the movie’s production. It is just as much a mystery as the yeti.

My theory is this on the matter. Men NEED SLEEP!

While women think that this blog might have been a reason for men to choose action over drama, that is not the case. Men NEED SLEEP!

Women are constantly asking their men to do mundane tasks, whether it be take out the garbage, fix a flat or even move the couch. Women are always testing the boundaries of their man’s patience and have no qualms demanding that their man carry out projects. After it is all said and done, the man’s power supply is completely exhausted.

Men only have enough fuel to get through a few tasks. We work all day and if we are good husbands, we help around the house and read to the kids. After the necessary needs of the family, we do the house projects and the rearranging of furniture. After all of that, the wife wants to spend QUALITY TIME.

Now, at this point it is 9pm and your other half wants to spend the next hour picking a movie that you eventullay agree to. This is where the man falls asleep fifteen minutes in.

Women, listen up. Leave us be. Don’t get mad if we can’t finish the movie. It’s not because we hate drama. In fact, I don’t mind them. It’s the poor choice of time. When we need to sleep, tuck us in. Becasue in the end, it’s just a movie you can rewind. Goodnight!

The Return of the Blogger: Why Men Shouldn’t Apologize for Stupid Reasons

Thanks Viggo for Being the King Pimp

Well it has been several months since my last post and I did not enjoy the break. If it is one thing that I enjoy doing, it is blogging and spreading the word about how awesome it is to be a man.

What? You were expecting an apology?

Forget it!

I don’t have to apologize for not being around. If I was not around it was certainly a good enough reason to stop hacking away at the keyboard for 5 months. For the last 5 months I have held three jobs, graduated college and dealt with a pregnant woman who has been beyond the level of cranky since conception. Do I apologize for not blogging regularly? Absolutely not. My faithful readers should find the testicular fortitude in their hearts to understand that a man has to do what a man has to do.

Men should never have to apologize for taking responsibility.

Women apologize for foolish reasons becasue they are an emotional creature that can’t control their initial reaction to apologize for things. Men only apologize for the following reasons:

1. Making their Wife Angry

2. Nothing

3. For Not Having the Wife Under Control

I look forward to keeping the posts on a regular schedule. I will try to keep my blog posts weekly and with the help of B, I think that we as influential members of society will do just that. Thanks for the support as always and happy reading!

MAN VS. PREGNANCY: THE BATTLE FOR EXHAUSTION

It has been a long year but 2011 has ended. Granted, this post is a month late and we are now into the second month of 2012, I do have a valid reason: I am going to have a kid. Yes faithful readers! The next step in manhood is the reproduction stage. I have finally planted the seed and now I will get to watch as my wife grows into the bearer of my child.

Now when i say grows, that is not meant to be taken as a physical depiction rather a metaphysical or nurturing perspective.

Men know that the wrath of a pregnant woman can be dangerous. From the morning sickness to the constant mood swings, pregnant women are a ticking time bomb. I know this from first hand experience. Though his is my first child, I think common sense would tell me that pregnancy is hard on everyone and to do this more than once is completely insane.

I have lost sleep just trying to make my wife happy. This is merely a casualty of war. Men are meant to take on the burden of dealing with a pregnant woman and that is just how the world works. No matter how tired you feel, no matter how hungry you get or how much you have to do, a man cannot and will never be able to (without any medical intervention or loss of sanity) bear children.

The idea of being pregnant or having to do the physical part of the pregnancy is why Mother’s Day is a better holiday than Father’s Day. I remember my mother always being happy to receive breakfast in bed and my dad asking me what he needed a clay ashtray for when he didn’t smoke.

Women have a lot to deal with and I hope to bring play by play action of the whole experience from the male perspective. For the next few months until July I will post about how men can deal with pregnancy and how women should allow the men the flexibility they need to deal with a pregnant woman.

I doubt very much that Steve Irwin would ever try to deal with a pregnant woman over a dangerous wild animal. Pregnancy is tough for more than one person  when it comes down to it. Here are some things that the pregnant woman should keep in mind when her husband doesn’t seem to get what she is going through.

First, men are logical creatures. We think that if you are tired that you should sleep. We don’t get how a pregnant woman is unable to sleep. As men we want to help. If you are uncomfortable let us fix the problem. Need a pillow? Sure. Need some water? Okay. Carry the baby? Not if my life depended on it.

Second, we don’t understand the food combinations. What you are eating is gross. Stop it.

Third, Your life is not over. The pregnant woman may think that they are never going to accomplish the things they wanted to before conceiving. I say that is a cop out. Whatever you felt like accomplishing before the pregnancy you should do after the pregnancy. There is always a way when it comes down to fulfilling a dream. You are giving birth. You are not on your death bed (no matter how it may feel).

It may seem insensitive what I am saying but I know that being pregnant is the natural order of things. Men are not the nurturers that women are. We are the fun and burly parent while he mother is the rule maker and the bandage applier. Asking us to carry a child because you are uncomfortable, only says to me that you don’t understand men. Give us an egg and we will drop it. Give us a tool and we will break something with it. Keep this in mind and you will let us get you water, a pillow and pickled ice cream.

Why the Hell is that Light Blinking?! Why Men Must Decorate the House Solo for Christmas

The holiday season is once again upon us. The temperature is dropping and snow will soon begin to fall. The time to bask in the Christmas spirit and compete against your neighbors in the holiday decorating contest draws closer and closer to Christmas Day.

Ever Wonder why men need to decorate the house for Christmas and NEVER ask for help? No matter how hard of a time men seem to have in setting up the variety of Christmas decorations that overwhelm the house, they can’t seem to muster the fortitude to request assistance.

When a man wants to decorate the house for Christmas or any holiday for that matter, it is not for the sake of being festive. Men have to create. Decorations on the house, specifically the lights, are a form of art that can not be jeopardized by the opinions of others. Constant attention to the meticulous behavior of your man’s light strategy will not get anything done. Simply leave a ladder, a cup of hot beverage and electrical tape (a variety of colors would be ok) and put the Christmas village together, immediately making yourself Mayor of Santa’s Workshop.

Lights on the house require finesse and strategic planning. Mapping out of an electrical grid to make sure the house is sufficiently decorated, with an even display of static and dynamic lights, sounds complicated because it is! THere is no way in hell we as men will allow or should allow one side of the decorations to be blinking and the other side to not be blinking. THere is no strategy in the Art of War that could compete with the planning it takes to put lights up for Christmas.

THe decoration of the man’s home is a representation of his character. If for some reason the neighbor’s lights are better, whether he has the new spiral swirl icicle lighting strands or the biggest blow up snow globe on the face of the earth, we have to have it! Men have egos and are more than willing to display it for all to see; especially during Christmas.

Our decorations require a piece of our soul in order to be displayed with pride. Men want to decorate because it is their way of saying to the world around them, “I am a creator of art. Let me express to you my soul in the world of exotic light formation.” Men will never say this. It can only be expressed in the art of Christmas decor.

If your man becomes grumpy about decorating the house, do not take this as a sign that he does not want to partake in this event. It is merely a game preparation for lighting the house properly. If your man goes out excitedly and acting merrily there is a slight chance that he may put the cord on the wrong side of the house and have to redo his work. Make sure to nag him to do the lights. This is the best way to keep him prepped for the big event.

Let your man finish what he starts with the same attitude going in. Being angry is good. There are a lot of lights and a lot of knots to untangle. Somehow, by the grace of  the Christmas spirit, the lights got tangled, even though they were carefully wrapped with twist ties and labels. THe faded soldiers that have protected this house must be replaced with the blown up Grinch display. What is the cost of such a thing? Don’t even ask because he bought it already.

Decoration cost is of no matter to your man. If he wants to spend money on decorations and the electric bill for the next six months by all means allow it. Christmas is only once a year so let your man enjoy his moment of artistic retreat. THe decorating of your house for Christmas is a spectacular time. Allow your man to enjoy the brisk winter air and the holiday spirit. If your man goes the full monty and decorates the inside as well, remember this little tid-bit of information:

Let him do it. He is expressing his inner artistic child and wants this Christmas and every one to follow to be perfect. Just sit back and enjoy the man doing something without really having to be told to do it. Chances are he is planning on doing it anyway. Happy Holidays Everyone!

A Space Odyssey: Why Men Can’t Share the Garage

Alright, alright. I know what you are thinking. I don’t take up that much room.  I need more room, he’s not using that space anyway!

Why can’t he share the garage?!

This competition for space and dividing the necessary room for more things has been an ongoing battle between men and women for a very long time. Regardless of what time period you are from, men have always settled for less space.  (Arguing the fact that men are responsible for zoning issues and spreading humanity over the face of the planet is not this topic’s point and should not be considered when discussing space issues.) 

Women, who tend to have an incredible bounty of belongings that defy the laws of reason, continue to spread themselves throughout their homes and find more reason to fill space. Men are more reserved. The amount of space a man may need does not depend on the amount of stuff he has. The space a man needs is for a more distinctive purpose. 

So why do women need more and men don’t need much?

Let’s face it. Women have an incredible amount of stuff. (If you would like a lesson in stuff, I suggest that whoever reads this blog post listen to George Carlin’s skit on stuff.) To store all the stuff that a woman accumulates, a woman needs space. From closet space to shelf space, a woman’s belongings hold a significant precedence over a man’s belongings.

Women have nick knacks. They have art supplies. They have clothes. They have shoes! They need more space for all this stuff! The stuff that belongs to a man tends to be dirty, messy or just unnecessary so of course a woman would feel compelled to remove their dirty belongings and replace it with a clean throw pillow or an organized display of Christmas villages.

Women have to stretch.

Women need a large amount of space so as to not feel claustrophobic. Women who feel trapped within their own homes feel that they must stretch their legs and move things around. Women need change in their lives and need their homes to reflect the mood that they are feeling each and every day.

A woman has a strong need for a comfortable space. The space a woman will consume must have pillows that compliment the room’s paint configuration and bring warmth to their household. Matching is key in a woman’s space. If it doesn’t belong it has to go! The guests who enter a woman’s space must feel welcomed. A welcoming environment is a popular place in which the woman can brag about.

A woman’s space is her identity. 

Enough about the women’s needs for a moment, after all, this blog is an instruction guide for understanding men. So why is it that men do not need the amount of space that a woman would need? Do men not have the same amount of stuff as women? Do men not have an interest in being comfortable? Do men like feeling cramped?

What is the real reason for my man to not share his space with me when I have so much more stuff than him?

Men are not complicated creatures. When it comes to space, Men do not consider the need of space to connect with the quantity of belongings he has. Men are fine with living in a mess.  A man’s messy space is his clay to mould. They can reconstruct their space into an organized piece of art and destroy it into shattered pieces all in the same day. Men do not need space simply for their stuff. So what is the secret to their need for space?

Men need solitude.

Yes. Man Cave, Bachelor Pad, Watering Hole or the Bat Cave, whatever the name it is, the place that men need to escape to is a special place. Men need a private space to disappear to. What most women don’t know or understand is that men need to reflect in their space. The thirty minutes of silence can be practiced here if a man should desire to do so.  Space to most men is not merely a void to fill. Space is valued. Space is vital to a man’s mental survival. 

Though most men do not try to tackle the problems of the world, they still need a place to reflect on the problems that immediately affect their lives. A man’s problems, whether they range from ‘what to eat for lunch’ to ‘delivering the sex conversation to their son,’ can carry an incredible impact on a man’s mind. Space and time are key to handling these problems and the garage is an ideal location for this reflection process. 

Men also like to have a place to enjoy some free time. Whether a man is a father or just wants to mess around with the new tools he bought, he needs a place to tinker. Men love to spend some free time just being a man. In the space distributed to him, your man can scratch, fart, curse or break things without being judged or criticized excessively. This is important to the preservation of a man’s ego.

My man doesn’t want to spend time with me?

Absolutely not! Your man enjoys having you around all the time. Like most people, we need space from others, simply to avoid arguments. Men do not want to argue with their wives. Like the armies of a losing force, men need a place to retreat. A man knows instinctively when the war is lost as an argument begins to ensue between him and his wife.

 In order for a man to avoid saying anything that would ultimately put him in a bad situation, a man should have a place to consider his position in the argument and come to a logical and fair conclusion. If your man can come to this conclusion through the reflection process it will provide healthy compromise to the relationship.

My man does not have a ‘man cave’ where does he go?

If your man does not have a space to retreat or tinker, allow him space to breath.  Time in front of the television with his favorite program can work wonders for your man’s reflection process.  Refer to the ’30 minutes of silence’ blog post for additional information.

Men need space too. A man’s space is an essential component to his reflection process in order to handle a complicated query adequately and efficently. When considering putting your extra stuff in the garage remember to consider your man’s needs as well.

30 minutes of silence

I’m not mad at you. I didn’t change. I just need some peace and quiet if I’m to be pleasant for the remainder of the day. Give me a half hour, preferably in the morning, to quietly organize my thoughts and prepare for whatever ridiculous questions your are going to ask at 10am.

To better understand this need, let’s go back to the beginning. I wasn’t there, but based on my limited understanding of the subject, I think it went something like this:

In the beginning God made Adam. Adam was a cool dude, a real outdoorsman who spent his days relaxing, eating, drinking and fishing, but it wasn’t perfect. He got bored with no problems to solve in the world, so God sent him Eve to give him direction, motivation and challenge him out of complacency. Now he spent his days organizing and reorganizing the landscape, harvesting food far in advance of when he needed it and accumulating the wealth of the land in an effort to please Eve. Adam was more productive and his life was enriched, but he was growing weary and would occasionally lose his patience and question Eves judgement, which would result in less rational demands of the following week.

Recognizing the issue, Adam sought a solution. He started sending Eve out on small tasks (like picking out fruit), so he could take time to reflect on the day ahead. He found that this calmed him, but resulted in the unintended consequence of wild interpretation. Because she was so amazing, Eve couldn’t understand why Adam needed time away from her and began to question him incessantly about it:

“Are you mad at me?” (at this point anger hadn’t yet been invented)
“What’s bothering you?” ( the concept of frustration had only come about with Eve’s arrival)
“Who is she?” ( Other women hadn’t yet been invented either)

Adam never did figure out how to combat the side effects, and dealt with the frustration until the day he died.

We can’t say what questions you might ask your man, but we have worked out a solution: positive reinforcement. Communicate with your man to help him set aside this half an hour a day, either before you are up, after you go to sleep, or while you are out running errands, and notice the change in his demeanor for the remainder of the day. You don’t have to understand it, but you do need to understand its importance. Remember, we’re just trying to make you happy.

-B.

No questions before 10AM

This was the first rule I ever instituted, and still my favorite. No questions before 10 am keeps my household running smoothly, and prevents 80% of arguments. The rule is simple, I will not answer any questions before 10am. The reasoning is simple, I am not a morning person and know that I’m not in the frame of mind to make binding decisions before 10 AM. As any of you with a significant other know, all decisions can potentially become binding decisions, so thus, no questions may be answered.

FAQ

Is this just for questions from spouses or for all questions?

Primarily spouses, but with enough determination, it could be rolled out to family and friends. Implementation with coworkers is difficult.

What if I have something important to ask?

You don’t

But it’s an emergency!

If its a true emergency, you shouldn’t be asking questions, you should be calling 911 or following my lead through the zombie fields.

What about phone calls?

Put the phone down. I won’t answer them before 10 am.

Emails?

Sign out of AOL, then read the 4 hour work week. I don’t answer emails until 10am, not even invitations to astronaut camp.

are there an circumstances under which you will answer questions before 10am?

So far I’ve found few reasons to make exception. Those that made the list include:

Would you like me to make you waffles and bacon? (because waffles and bacon)
Do you have any cash in your wallet? (because of the financial implications of non-action)
Do you realize it’s Saturday? (because of the additional sleep implications)

Do you have more questions you think should make the exception list? Leave them in the comments field.

-b

“Do you have change for a twenty?” – Why wallets are better than purses.

When considering the accessories that your man should have, the most vital tool that a man should come equipped with is his wallet.  The wallet is an interesting component. The wallet can come in several different styles for different age groups and social classes. The wallet can be chained to the owner’s belt loop or assigned a different location on the owner’s person depending on the style of dress he is in.  The wallet has several folds and pockets to store identification, business cars, photos, a single condom and of course cash. 

So what is the big deal about a wallet?

The wallet is a symbol for a man’s identity in a relationship.  The wallet represents man’s pride.  A man who leaves his wallet at home becomes vulnerable and lost as if he were a child sent out on walk-about in the Australian Outback.   

As men we feel that our marital responsibility is to provide for our spouse.  Men WANT to pay for things.  No matter how much we bitch and complain about it, men do not want to give up their right to pay for things.  When we are with our spouses and we are buying something together, 9 times out of 10 the man is pulling his wallet out of his back pocket and ready to fork over the cash or the plastic.  Women KNOW this and EXPECT it.  If women pull out money to pay for anything it’s because they are unsupervised by their male counter parts.  This does not mean that men are superior to women and that women should not ever have money or be able to use it. Men need to fulfill their role as the provider. To deny a man his natural role will negatively chip away at his psyche.  This is strictly a reinforcement of the male ego. The only time we as men should ever ask for money from the wife is if it comes in the form of quarters, dimes, nickels or pennies. Loose change and the need for unneeded accessories is the purpose of a purse.  Men do not carry a purse because they are efficient and prioritize.  If a woman tries to attack a man’s need to pay this could be dangerous to the male ego! If the male ego suffers damage it could be irreversible.

Socially, men want to display their capability of providing for themselves and establishing their place in the social hierarchy.  The wallet is an extension of our personalities and our accomplishments. If we are with a group of friends, we do not want to look incompetent amongst one another.  The wallet is the symbol of our providing skills and can not be stained with the embarrassment of moth infestation or several declined credit cards.

How do I keep my man’s ego intact?

To sustain efficient wallet maintenance, men should always keep plenty of singles and twenties in their wallets and at least two credit cards and one debit card.  This combination will allow any man to provide a division of large bills or handle hearty purchases on the fly and avoid any embarrassment.  Singles are primarily for vending machine purchases and girth of the wallet; the fatter the wallet the bigger the ego.

Keep some pictures in your wallet. Photos of the wife/girlfriend or both (if you’re that guy, which is pretty ballsy if you ask me) will remind you why your wallet is in your back pocket in the first place.

Space is limited. It’s not necessary to keep anything in your wallet that doesn’t belong. The best way to do this is to go through your wallet at least once a month and eliminate any paper waste, i.e. recepits or business cards.

For the single guy or the swinger, condoms take up a good portion of space. If you need it keep it but rotate the old with the new.  You don’t need any accidents happening that could force you into a n unwanted predicament (children and wives make the wallet slimmer).

Wallets can be substituted for money clips for only two reasons: tight pants or little pocket space.

There is no reason a man should be wearing tight pants, so that narrows it down to the latter.  Limited pocket space is due to wearing a suit or similar fancy dress. The style of the money clip is essential to the outfit of the wearer.  If the money clip style is abused however, it can be deemed uncool and foolish looking. So use the clip sparingly and take pride in your wallet.

The wallet is a part of you but like most things that are old and grungy it doesn’t last forever.

So when should I replace my wallet?

The timeframe is different for us all. When you know, you know. The wallet tells a story of its owner so the longer you have it the stronger the history. If history is not important to you, remember to maintain your wallet’s upkeep and replace if necessary. A variety of wallets will only lead to lost cards or money! One wallet is enough.  Another place to store money is your bank account not another wallet.  This is why bank accounts exist.

So remember, the wallet is an extension of your skills as a provider and reinforces your male ego.  Maintaining your wallet is just as important as maintaining your life.  Women should encourage this aspect of the male ego so that their man is secure and can act out his role as a provider.  The most important thing to a man is his family and his ego. Damage either of these and he is now a broken man.

Easy Listening: Can you tell if I am or not?

So I’m sure I am not the only man in the world who has “the hearing problem.” I have gotten into several altercations with my wife where she has strongly accused me of being a terrible husband (mind you, she is Italian and exaggerates) for not listening to her when she is speaking.

The MANual is designed to clear up this rubbish of false accusations.  Not listening to her is not accurate at all.  In fact, I am a very good listener. I suffer from a specific hearing ailment that prohibits me from collecting all the data leaving my wife’s lips as it travels to my head.  The condition I suffer from is selective hearing. This particular condition is not medically inhibiting to me but can definitely turn a quiet evening into a reenactment of the whipping of Jesus Christ.

The selective hearing option in men should NOT be scorned.  This is NOT a method to annoy a man’s other half intentionally. Believe me, the last hing I want to do is piss my wife off.  Any man who says they don’t care is full of it. NO ONE wants to ge their wife angry.

Okay, back to business. When a woman begins to address any topic, regardless of our level of interest, there is a point in the male attention span where a gap of radio silence affects us all.  In defense to the radio silence factor, I would like say that all men are susceptible to the power of these hearing gaps. 

Why is that, you ask? It just so happens that for my particular situation, which I strongly believe is the problem for all us men, is that when I am being spoken to about anything, my brain begins to come up with a solution.  Yes, immediately upon receiving information, my thought process has become so efficient that it wastes no time in the chatter that is happening at the moment.  My thought process wants to put together a mental task force to successfully develop a solution to your needs.  Selective hearing is just how it sounds. My hearing selects the important information that is spoken and filters out all of the nonsensical words that do not help with providing a solution.

However, like any product, there can be moments where, if the function is not completely understood, this could be misconstrued as inoperable or a faulty product.  Sometimes when I am intuitively listening to my wife, the efficiency kicks in at the wrong moment and fragments of information can be lost. Do not be alarmed. Repeating the information casually within conversation will allow the selective hearing process to correctly gather the appropriate amount of information needed to provide an accurate solution.  The selective hearing option on all men is a stock feature and cannot be adjusted nor can it be removed.  This feature can be utilized proficiently when operated without the distraction of a television. 

How do I know that he is selectively hearing what I have to say and not just ignoring me? Selective hearing can be identified on a physical level. When you are speaking to a man, and his gaze has become similar to a large farm animals or an aquatic pet, the selective hearing process has been initiated.  Here is when the fun begins.  At that distinct moment, your man is now calculating how to fix your problem and processing all of his other thoughts with a cross-reference library to see how that solution can be applied to other problems that may be affecting you or anyone else that he may know. It’s as if a powerful computer has been activated to produce an accurate solution.

If you are not sure if he is listening ask him the question you are sure to ask: What did I say? If the software for the selective hearing has been updated, he should respond with key bullet points that identify the main idea of your conversation.  This implies that the selective hearing process was a success and that you have gotten your message across flawlessly.  If he cannot repeat everything you have said, that means the filter is working properly. 

Should your man’s selective hearing need a tune up? The answer is: sometimes. As the product gets older the filter becomes larger.  The filter begins to capture important information along with the nonsensical.  Do not be alarmed. This is a natural occurence and can be repaired with a hearing aid or simply repeating the commands.  However, in repeating the commands make sure not to be aggressive for the man may take this as a hostile accusation of being a poor listener. 

Men are simple and gentle creatures. They are designed to protect and provide for their loved ones sincere quality service.  So when your man seems to be out of touch and unresponsive when you speak, it is only his efficient selective hearing apparatus hard at work.  Remember, selective hearing provides YOU the best solution for YOUR needs.

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