Easy Listening: Can you tell if I am or not?

So I’m sure I am not the only man in the world who has “the hearing problem.” I have gotten into several altercations with my wife where she has strongly accused me of being a terrible husband (mind you, she is Italian and exaggerates) for not listening to her when she is speaking.

The MANual is designed to clear up this rubbish of false accusations.  Not listening to her is not accurate at all.  In fact, I am a very good listener. I suffer from a specific hearing ailment that prohibits me from collecting all the data leaving my wife’s lips as it travels to my head.  The condition I suffer from is selective hearing. This particular condition is not medically inhibiting to me but can definitely turn a quiet evening into a reenactment of the whipping of Jesus Christ.

The selective hearing option in men should NOT be scorned.  This is NOT a method to annoy a man’s other half intentionally. Believe me, the last hing I want to do is piss my wife off.  Any man who says they don’t care is full of it. NO ONE wants to ge their wife angry.

Okay, back to business. When a woman begins to address any topic, regardless of our level of interest, there is a point in the male attention span where a gap of radio silence affects us all.  In defense to the radio silence factor, I would like say that all men are susceptible to the power of these hearing gaps. 

Why is that, you ask? It just so happens that for my particular situation, which I strongly believe is the problem for all us men, is that when I am being spoken to about anything, my brain begins to come up with a solution.  Yes, immediately upon receiving information, my thought process has become so efficient that it wastes no time in the chatter that is happening at the moment.  My thought process wants to put together a mental task force to successfully develop a solution to your needs.  Selective hearing is just how it sounds. My hearing selects the important information that is spoken and filters out all of the nonsensical words that do not help with providing a solution.

However, like any product, there can be moments where, if the function is not completely understood, this could be misconstrued as inoperable or a faulty product.  Sometimes when I am intuitively listening to my wife, the efficiency kicks in at the wrong moment and fragments of information can be lost. Do not be alarmed. Repeating the information casually within conversation will allow the selective hearing process to correctly gather the appropriate amount of information needed to provide an accurate solution.  The selective hearing option on all men is a stock feature and cannot be adjusted nor can it be removed.  This feature can be utilized proficiently when operated without the distraction of a television. 

How do I know that he is selectively hearing what I have to say and not just ignoring me? Selective hearing can be identified on a physical level. When you are speaking to a man, and his gaze has become similar to a large farm animals or an aquatic pet, the selective hearing process has been initiated.  Here is when the fun begins.  At that distinct moment, your man is now calculating how to fix your problem and processing all of his other thoughts with a cross-reference library to see how that solution can be applied to other problems that may be affecting you or anyone else that he may know. It’s as if a powerful computer has been activated to produce an accurate solution.

If you are not sure if he is listening ask him the question you are sure to ask: What did I say? If the software for the selective hearing has been updated, he should respond with key bullet points that identify the main idea of your conversation.  This implies that the selective hearing process was a success and that you have gotten your message across flawlessly.  If he cannot repeat everything you have said, that means the filter is working properly. 

Should your man’s selective hearing need a tune up? The answer is: sometimes. As the product gets older the filter becomes larger.  The filter begins to capture important information along with the nonsensical.  Do not be alarmed. This is a natural occurence and can be repaired with a hearing aid or simply repeating the commands.  However, in repeating the commands make sure not to be aggressive for the man may take this as a hostile accusation of being a poor listener. 

Men are simple and gentle creatures. They are designed to protect and provide for their loved ones sincere quality service.  So when your man seems to be out of touch and unresponsive when you speak, it is only his efficient selective hearing apparatus hard at work.  Remember, selective hearing provides YOU the best solution for YOUR needs.

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