Pick Up Only, No Delivery: Why Men Will NEVER Give Birth

So I am sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward while my wife is being examined by her physician, and a thought comes to me. Men will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER give birth. My reasoning?

If Arnold can’t do it, then NO ONE CAN!

Remember, men pick up babies only; we never deliver unless it’s to mom for a diaper change.


Action vs. Drama: Why Men Fall Asleep During Both

I’m sitting on the couch and the highest bar of action movies, The Expendables, is blasting on the surround sound. During the final battle against the drug lord, machine guns blasting and throats being slit, a sound catches my ear. A subtle, rhythmic sound that resembled a quiet wind. I turn to the opposite couch and there is my Father-in-law snoring, sound asleep while the explosions and screaming terrorists shake the walls.

I was amazed.

I looked at my Father-in-law and wondered why he would waste this precious movie moment with a nap. I mean, Sylvester Stallone is on the screen killing everyone in sight and he is snoozing! Not only that, but the dog is right along side him sleeping!

I thought back to all of the times I spent sitting with my wife watching a movie, whether it was a bad ass, superhero action movie or some movie set in the era of fancy dresses and big hair. She would get utterly furious at me that I fell asleep, especially if it were the time piece she took AN HOUR TO PICK! I thought about all the times that I zonked out during either type of film and realized something. In fact; I had an epiphany.

Men strategically nap during any movie they can afford to miss.

It might not ever be a concious decision that a man might take a nap during the greatest film ever made. It might be an actual system design of the male brain to fall asleep after fifteen minutes of the movie’s production. It is just as much a mystery as the yeti.

My theory is this on the matter. Men NEED SLEEP!

While women think that this blog might have been a reason for men to choose action over drama, that is not the case. Men NEED SLEEP!

Women are constantly asking their men to do mundane tasks, whether it be take out the garbage, fix a flat or even move the couch. Women are always testing the boundaries of their man’s patience and have no qualms demanding that their man carry out projects. After it is all said and done, the man’s power supply is completely exhausted.

Men only have enough fuel to get through a few tasks. We work all day and if we are good husbands, we help around the house and read to the kids. After the necessary needs of the family, we do the house projects and the rearranging of furniture. After all of that, the wife wants to spend QUALITY TIME.

Now, at this point it is 9pm and your other half wants to spend the next hour picking a movie that you eventullay agree to. This is where the man falls asleep fifteen minutes in.

Women, listen up. Leave us be. Don’t get mad if we can’t finish the movie. It’s not because we hate drama. In fact, I don’t mind them. It’s the poor choice of time. When we need to sleep, tuck us in. Becasue in the end, it’s just a movie you can rewind. Goodnight!

The Return of the Blogger: Why Men Shouldn’t Apologize for Stupid Reasons

Thanks Viggo for Being the King Pimp

Well it has been several months since my last post and I did not enjoy the break. If it is one thing that I enjoy doing, it is blogging and spreading the word about how awesome it is to be a man.

What? You were expecting an apology?

Forget it!

I don’t have to apologize for not being around. If I was not around it was certainly a good enough reason to stop hacking away at the keyboard for 5 months. For the last 5 months I have held three jobs, graduated college and dealt with a pregnant woman who has been beyond the level of cranky since conception. Do I apologize for not blogging regularly? Absolutely not. My faithful readers should find the testicular fortitude in their hearts to understand that a man has to do what a man has to do.

Men should never have to apologize for taking responsibility.

Women apologize for foolish reasons becasue they are an emotional creature that can’t control their initial reaction to apologize for things. Men only apologize for the following reasons:

1. Making their Wife Angry

2. Nothing

3. For Not Having the Wife Under Control

I look forward to keeping the posts on a regular schedule. I will try to keep my blog posts weekly and with the help of B, I think that we as influential members of society will do just that. Thanks for the support as always and happy reading!